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the suburban kingdom you mow weekly to prove you've conquered something

means A patch of ground beside or around a building, often grassed and fenced, or a unit of length equal to three feet.

from From Old English 'geard,' meaning an enclosure, dwelling, or fenced-in spacea cousin of words like 'garden' and 'orchard,' all rooted in the idea of land hedged off from the wild. The length-unit 'yard' is a separate word, from Old English 'gerd,' meaning a rod or measuring stick, and these two have been quietly mistaken for siblings ever since.

royal originThe unit derived from a king's nose-to-thumb measurement
lawn costAmericans spend billions annually on water-guzzling turf
naval termA ship's yard is a horizontal sail-bearing spar
prison slangThe yard is where outdoor recreation and reputations happen
grass ironyLawns are ecological deserts wearing a green costume
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